Resilience

My grief journey just reached its sixteenth year. Being this many years in is not an assurance I have moved further away from needing tools to help me through. Having tools means I can be prepared WHEN I do. My son Ben was injured overseas and died stateside eight days later. I held a funeral in our hometown and at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia. From the day I was informed that he took a bullet from the enemy to his interment date at ANC an entire month had passed. The memories of this time live in the cells of my body and remind me each year as it draws near. I become tired, have little energy, and am emotionally drained and sensitive. It usually takes a couple days for me to realize that the dates on the calendar are influencing how I feel. Then I have the “aha” moment and start sorting through my mental/emotional health toolbox.

 My first experience with grief actually came twenty-seven years before I lost Ben when my eleven year old brother was struck by a car and killed. I had just turned fifteen two months before that. I learned early on that I did not want to let grief take control of my mind and have a negative hold on my life. One of the first things I learned is how to breathe. Taking deep breaths and being cognizant of doing so, kept me from falling off the edge. This tool also comes in handy during childbirth. Two years after my brother died, I watched my sister deliver her first child and witnessed how breath can tame chaos. She delivered her second child only fifteen months later - I witnessed it again. I had Ben thirteen months after that and was able to reach into my toolbox and find calm breathing to get me through a difficult labor and delivery experience. In life and in death, breathing is essential; for its arrival and as a tool to assist in having to say goodbye to loved ones after they’ve breathed their last breath.

“The capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties; toughness”, is one of the meanings you will find in the dictionary for the word resilience.

It has become one of my strongest traits and one that others see in me. It is deep rooted and cultivated through the roots of adversity. A second definition identifies resilience as “the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.”

 When life's circumstances challenge me, the first thing I pay attention to is my breathing. Generally, if my thoughts are spiraling into worries and leaning towards negative outcomes, my heart is also beating faster than normal and my breathing is shallow. This is my signal to slow down and take some deep breaths. After a couple minutes, enlightened and rational thoughts come back to the forefront.

Recovering quickly to a thought process or mindset is resilience defined.
Applying resilience to grief is more applicable to the second definition above -  elasticity. I know it states it's in relation to an object or a substance, but stay with me. This can certainly apply to our mindset when adversity (death, illness, job loss, injury, etc.) comes knocking. Elasticity is being flexible and having the ability to spring back into shape. Or, let’s call it the ability to bounce back from a setback.

I am not calling grief a setback, it is one hundred percent a life altering change that will remain for the rest of your life. However, when it feels ugly, tapping into the roots of resilience will help the dark feel lighter. Applying breathwork to grief will help the roots of resilience grow deep. Now is a good time to take a nice deep breath. Innnnnnnnnnn and Ouuuutttttttttt. Ahhhhhhhhh. I needed that.

 I recently filed a small claim against a major bank for fraudulent activity they were adamant I was responsible for. I had to go to court and chose to represent myself. Despite feeling confident in the evidence I had, I found myself in the downward spiral of negative thoughts and an ever increasing heart rate. As I waited to be called into the courtroom, and even once I was, I started taking deep breaths and practiced the Command Interrupt Technique of breathing. I was then able to speak calmly and clearly to the judge to explain my case. She commended me for my articulation. I would not have been able to do this if I was breathing shallow and falling into a pit of negative thoughts.

 About a month ago I was offered a job with generous pay that is completely in my wheelhouse. It would fulfill my desire for purpose driven work. It was an answer to my prayers and I was very excited to get started and, of course, get paid. As I write this, it has been one month since the offer was made. I have not started working and I have not been paid. Very frustrating. The delay is bureaucratic, has nothing to do with me and there is nothing I can do to speed the process. I simply have to wait. I have been assured the delays will be resolved very soon. Time for another deep breath - innnnnnnnnnn and oouuutttttttttt - ahhhhhhhh.

 Both of the above situations have come during the thirty days of the year when the grief in the cells of my body come alive and challenge my physical and mental health and mindset. Even sixteen years later, I am applying the same tools to my life when it feels heavy on the outside. The court case didn’t resolve that day in the courtroom. It is resolved now and favored me but not as much as I had hoped for.

I am not letting negative thoughts steal the joy I am anticipating for my new job. It will happen when it happens. Nothing has been taken away from me. Both situations are wrapped up in my grief and could easily become added burdens to the things I carry on my heart every day. I won’t let them be overstayed guests. I will acknowledge them, say hello and then introduce them to my toolbox.

 Breathing through, trusting the process and going with the flow are all aspects of being resilient. When I tap into them, I am able to withstand difficulties. I don’t overcome them, that’s a big ask and not always possible, however, resiliency has allowed me to keep moving forward. I refuse to let my mind/body/mindset become a coffin for all I have yet to give. Coffins are for the dead.

I am still very much alive. Creativity and purpose still live in me: in my work, my habits, my hobbies, my relationships, etc.

 The day after my Ben’s angel day I spent some time alone in nature. I stumbled upon a public access to a large lake about thirty minutes away. The roadway leading to and around it were recently flooded due to heavy rains. As I walked around I found a small stump that had clearly been broken in the storms. A cluster of new growth stood tall from the top of it. It was nature's reminder to me that broken things can be renewed. Thanks God!

 I will keep going. What I focus on becomes the compass of where I am headed and who I am becoming.

Only God knows the details. I trust Him to lead me there.

 The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts. -Marcus Aurelius

 The energy of the mind is the essence of life. -Aristotle

 Our breathing is a fragile vessel that carries us from birth to death. -Dr. Frederick Leboyer

 The breath is the guardian to the heart. There's a reason why your lungs are wrapped around your heart...every breath is a prayer, every breath is a blessing. -Dan Brule

 P.S. Please note that my journey is mostly about grief and the loss of my son. I have experienced other forms of loss too. What I speak of can be applied to situations deemed difficult, challenging, traumatic, etc. Mine is not a one size fits all opinion, however, my wisdom and knowledge were earned through the many faces of adversity.